CHOOSE AN INTERACTION AS A LABORATORY FOR EXPLORING:

1.  HOW AM I UNDERSTANDING MYSELF?

A.  What am I feeling? 
B.  Where in my body am I feeling it? 
C.  On a scale of one to ten, how strongly do I feel about it?
D.  What assumptions or judgments am I making that are creating my feelings?
E.  If I am feeling anger or fear, what are the longings beneath those feelings?
F.  How is my perception creating my experience and expectations? (I don’t have the truth about the other person, only the truth of my experience of them.)
G.  Is my need for safety being met, first by my relationship with myself and then by my boundaries and my environment?
H.  Are there any repetitions (triggers) happening? (old patterns of defense, feelings of shame ? Have I fallen into the hole in the sidewalk? Do I know how to get out?) 

A.  Did I see the red light on the dashboard, slow down and throw the switch?
B.  Am I aware of bringing my behavior to choice, or am I in reaction to what the other person may be doing? (Did I avert a shame attack, or climb out of the hole?)
C.  Have I selected the appropriate tool for this situation, based on how I am feeling?
D.  Am I coming to the interaction with the intent to learn, or the intent to protect? Am I calm? Am I curious? Do I know where I am going with the interaction (strategy in mind)?
E.  Am I beginning with the end in mind? What are my intentions and desired outcome for this relationship/situation?

A.  Have I identified who owns the problem? (Umm, oops, ouch)
B.  What is it the other person would like me to understand about them? (needs, feelings)
C.  What is it I would like them to understand about me? (same)

A.  Have I defined the problem in a way the other person is willing to stay in the interaction?
B.  Have I accurately represented my own needs, feelings and request?
C.  Am I able to spiral back and listen when necessary until I see their nod before proceeding with my agenda?
D.  Am I able to be both responsive to their needs and feelings  and focused on my strategy so I know where I am going?

A.   Is the other person willing to stay in the process? 
B.   Do they feel safe and understood, or are they continuing to be defensive?
C.   Am I able to transform any attack or roadblock into a reverse I-message? 
D.   Am I able to “keep my eye on the prize” - the relationship - through the process of communicating about the differences?

A.   Have I defined the problem in terms of the needs and feelings of both people? 
B.   Have we explored options or life experiences without evaluating?
C.   Have we chosen a possible solution we can cooperate in implementing?
D.   Have we contracted to check back and see if the problem was solved to both people’s satisfaction?
E.   Am I able to discern what is possible and know when to let go or move to a         non-negotiable stand if I have not succeeded in having influence?

A.  How was my point of view influenced by the other?
B.  How was I flexible in finding a solution that worked?
C.  How graceful was I in accepting my powerlessness over another’s behavior?
D.  What personal victory can I identify? How do I feel about how I conducted myself?
E.  Did I take 100% responsibility for my own safety, happiness and freedom in that situation?