SYLLABUS FOR BASIC SKILLS

CLASS 1: Recognizing Cultural Patterns as Barriers to Conscious Communication

We will look at our present conflict styles when encountering trouble, and the influence of culture and family of origin on our habits of unconscious communication. We will explore barriers to conscious communication and the underlying values that motivate our behavior in conflict.

CLASS 2: Supporting Someone Who Is Upset: Active Listening

Roadmapfor moving from unconscious to conscious communication. Learning the Active Listening skill allows us to be actively involved in helping another who is upset, while remaining separate from their problem and avoiding unconscious cultural habits of “helping”. We support them to be the best solver of their problem.

CLASS 3: Standing our Ground When We are Upset: I-Message

We often avoid conflict as long as we can because of our very real fear that bringing it up will make things worse. If we have a positive attitude toward conflict—that it is healthy and necessary in any relationship—and we also feel skillful about introducing it, relationships will feel safer and improve with the flow of information .

CLASS 4: Navigating Differences in Relationships: Taking the Heat

The other person is going to react to our I-Message. We learn to expect this and know what to do to create a nonviolent interaction. We reflect feelings and name needs in order to create the safety and cooperation needed to stay in the interaction and continue to explore differences Then we can move on to negotiation. Because conflict is triggering, we learn to watch our own internal communication, maintain our intent to learn, and support both of us to stand our ground.

CLASS 5: Negotiating: Sharing Power in Deciding What Happens Next

Since the whole process of conflict happens when someone needs change, resolution can only happen when the others involved have been persuaded to cooperate with that change. Resolution involves acknowledging how that change will impact on them and what needs of theirs must therefore be part of the process of change.

CLASS 6: Managing Values Differences: Unresolved Conflict

Learning the skills of serenity, respecting differences and, as Scott Peck says, “Protecting each other’s solitude” are great challenges to our desire to be in control. How do we gracefully hear a “No” to what we would like, elevate our needs to preferences, and extend our personal support system so we always have options?

CLASS 7: Putting it All Together: Skills, Strategies, and Personal Victory

Many of the skills we use in values differences are skills for our relationship with our self. We have to stand our ground with what matters most to us, while taking the heat of differences gracefully. Our victory is not in the outcome, but in how we conduct ourselves. We explore how freedom relates to loving, requiring our highest degree of personal commitment, stamina and intention to honor separateness.

CLASS 8: Taking a Non-Negotiable Stand, Evaluation, Graduation

Sometimes a value, a prior agreement, a role with obligations to a third part, or an overwhelming need cause us to reach a bottom line. We are not willing to negotiate what will happen next. There may be strong negative consequences for those affected by our choice. We learn how to minimize this negative effect on the relationship.